Breakout of Your Comfort Zone
by Nancy Engle, 2009

Many of us, including myself, have difficulty expressing our needs. We fear that others will ridicule us, not take us seriously, or abandon us. So we adapt. We say and do what we think others want to hear and see, sacrificing our own needs in the process. How can we express our needs without causing dissention within the family, at work, or with our friends?  You may not even know what your needs are let alone how to find a way to express them without creating chaos.

I've been writing for a number of years and my to do list has me scheduled to finish various writing projects, but I never seem to be able to motivate myself to finish anything and actually submit it for publication. Actually, they're more like story ideas with lots of details rather than a written piece that only requires major editing. Some of these items have been on my to do list for a couple of years. I had to take a hard look at what is preventing me from moving forward.

I enjoy writing and would love to have something published, but something was holding me back. With the help of a good friend and reading lots of books and articles on being a writer, writer's block, etc. I've started to figure out what is keeping me from moving forward. It's been a learning process over the years. What I've discovered is that when one writes, the most interesting stories and characters are representative of the writer's beliefs and values. But that means putting yourself out there for all to see. That's the problem. I'm not one to put myself out there for all to see. I'm not one to share my innermost thoughts and feelings and to do so is extremely challenging and sometimes painful. It wasn't something that as children we were encouraged to do either at home or at school. I was raised in a generation where you didn't share thoughts and feelings unless of course they agreed with whoever you were sharing your ideas with. You kept things to yourself and certainly didn't air any dirty laundry to outsiders. But of course, the dirty laundry, as digressions were referred to back then, were our biggest learning opportunities. Things were kept within the family.

Parents of the time weren't very demonstrative. Of course, they loved us and showed their love by caring for us, but they didn't tell us they loved us, we just knew it. Then there were the 12 years in Catholic School with nuns. The only emotions I remember them showing were anger when they whipped out the ruler for the traditional rap on the knuckles. Most of the nuns were old and crotchety and I think they were tired of dealing with kids by the time I got there. Anyway, in school and at home we weren't asked for our opinion or encouraged to express our thoughts. It was mostly the children should be seen and not heard philosophy. Now, we were allowed to ask our parents questions and at home it wasn't as strict as at school. But the questions were for acceptable information only and not an effort to challenge established beliefs. What the nuns told us in school was gospel and you didn't question their beliefs or motives. In other words our thoughts and questions didn't have value. Those who dared to disagree or even ask questions were labeled as trouble makers. Church, family, and community all shared the same beliefs and values and supported one another. Children didn't express their innermost feelings nor were they challenged to explore their innermost thoughts or feelings let alone put them out there for all to see.

So with that system of beliefs in place changing at this stage of the game can be a challenge. That is if one realizes their foundation needs to be challenged. Putting oneself out there isn't easy and that's what writing requires you to do. In order to develop your characters the writer must put himself or herself into the role therefore putting themselves out there for all to see. For, in order to develop a believable character we really must be able to show who we are. Now this can be especially difficult if what you're putting out there goes against your initial training and your family still adheres to that initial training. And there are people who live their lives based on those initial beliefs without ever questioning their validity or expanding their central core of beliefs. That's where the challenge lies particularly if the individual wants to be accepted and belong and if in putting oneself out there isolates or alienates oneself from their core community.

But what I've discovered is that when I was willing to put my beliefs out there I found that my inner circle shared many of the same beliefs thus making it easier to express myself and making it easier to put myself on paper for all to see. What I've found is that my characters are developing personalities and my stories are coming to life. There's still a lot more to do with my stories, but I am recognizing why they lacked interest. Recent writing exercises provided me with the tools to begin putting myself out there. Of course, this is a only a small step on the road to putting myself and my life experiences into my writing and putting it out there for all to see, but it is a beginning, a first step toward breaking out of my comfort zone.

Nancy will be teaching a workshop on this topic, "Break Out of Your Comfort Zone" on September 29, 2009 at The Healing Way in Frederick, MD. See the Calendar of Events for more information or contact Nancy at 301-696-8380 or by email.


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